Outside of work its been all about the music. Rehearsing as part of FiVE EASY PiECES, or solo with ANN ROSS as the two of us prepare for a fundraiser performance November 16th.
In truth, today I write about these musical times, but in my heart I am elsewhere…. This weekend marks three months that I’ve been away from Ottawa & settled into my Manitoba life. The experiences have been remarkable; I can’t express how much of a surprise its been professionally, personally & creatively. That said, perhaps I’ve hit a bit of a wall this week; as I could feel this underlying persistent feeling of fatigue, of the spirit, heart & mind. The best way I can say it is that I’m feeling somewhat lost.
This is not an unusual state of mind for me; but things have been so stimulating & new here that I suppose I have not had the time to feel anything but excitement at all the change amidst me. Yet here & now I know that somethings not quite right within; but the question becomes – what can I do? Who can I turn to? Who will understand?
I tend to go within, look within. I give myself this time to feel the uncomfortable feeling of loneliness & sadness.. unsure of its root, trigger or remedy. I wait for it to hopefully clear; as I believe all things must pass.
At the end of the day – what would comfort me the most at this time, is to be blanketed in love; held warmly & assured that I am loved & ok as I am. Perhaps because my love is back in Ottawa – this sting of sadness is only compounded & there is really no one to embrace me the way I need. I wonder how I can hold MYSELF.
Originally my intent was to post the chronicles of these musical times, & below you will see images from this weeks jam session with ANN; but know that below the surface of all that is good; I’m struggling inside. I’m giving it all I’ve got to hold on. Through the fear, doubts & confusion. Sometimes the world feels cold & your holding on to the notion that within that world you had a place & worth…
I know that tomorrow is another day; the sun is behind those clouds & it is waiting to come out & shine down upon me. But for today it remains another story & I will try to hold on.