Prior to moving back to Manitoba I anticipated it would take some time before I could sit & do any blogging/posting. A person needs to settle into their new surroundings & adapt in spirit, body & mind.
Even still, every day there’s a creative and expressive need to write something in effort to connect to the world at large – yet the energy it takes to adapt and soak in this new/old world (after all, I am back ‘home’ in the town I was born and raised, & have not lived in since I was 17) requires a lot of focus and concentration. I’m here for a reason so I tell myself “In time CC! In good time!”
I look at it like this; if the experiences and stories I want to share were like a pot of stew on the stove; then I’d say as much as I feel inclined to extend a spoonful out for you to taste – because I do feel like sharing many things on this journey (the new and old characters I’m crossing paths with, the opportunities to connect and create, what pains and/or inspires me) I also recognize there’s still a lot going on – this stew needs time to bubble and sit a bit more. Perhaps it needs some spices or splash of pepper… something. The point is, this stew will be ready at some point – as will I - so I remind myself there is no rushing a good stew.
What I can say is this – It’s a whole new world for me. I’m, by nature a very solitary person – even reclusive at times.
I lived with my partner and our cats in a quaint apartment downtown that served as a sanctuary. My day job was in retail where I was not utilizing my gifts or my education in social work and community studies. Geographically I lived very a part from my family in a city with access to a lot of shiny things like malls and movie theatres – subsequently I never needed a drivers licence to get me around because I could always walk, bike or take a bus. Finally – as a creative person I was involved in many interesting projects with like-minded folks – and my music and art took up a lot of my personal time, however uncertain I was with how to use my gifts as a creative being. This was a life that although I was used to – didn’t necessarily feel complete. I knew I needed to take care of something more… something that could in essence help me to confront and overcome some deeply imbedded fears I know are holding me back from achieving more in my life. I have a lot – clearly – as stated above. But I want more. The SEEKER in me knows I’ve only just begun. Yet I also knew that, like a lot of the other ways I’ve had to learn things in life, it wasn’t going to come easy, this change. This …attainment of more. I had to consider that if I wanted more, and knew myself well enough to know it wasn’t going to happen easily – that I’d have to do it in such a way that was going to force me to change things up entirely – in a manner that although would initially be a big adjustment – would be well worth pursuing if I actually wanted to commit to attaining this sense of liberty in myself.
So here I am now – <temporarily> living back in my childhood home in Manitoba – and not downtown like I was in Ontario. We’re talking 20 min outside the city limits at a lake front home surrounded in quiet and only the sounds of wind in the trees and loons calling. I work as a mental health clinician – doing a lot more than selling cashmere sweaters and greeting people hello. I am using my education to my advantage in a working environment full of experienced community workers and health care professionals I know I can learn a lot more from as long as I am willing to learn. I have gone from living with my partner and cats to a world involving a lot of family time with siblings (all adults now of course), nieces and nephews. Blocking out the world in the sanctuary of my apartment is no longer an option – we’ve got dinner every night with everyone and I am not just a visitor in their world - I am HERE too. As a pen-pal back home eloquently put it – its a dance between learning how to accommodate my families ingrained habits – but also figuring out how to re-introduce myself to them, familiarize them with my quirks and quarks. Of course there is momma – who I live with and have only begun to re-establish residing in her domain….. You can imagine what this takes! I’m on a quest to get my drivers license so I can accomplish a sense of independence unlike I’ve ever had before… I live in a small, rural community far away from the maddening crowds & malls & freshly painted buildings, all taken care of by our government. Here you will not find Starbucks or Chapters; there are mom & pop shops & every building looks dirtier & smaller than it did before. Yet I am here & these are just some of the things I notice & am taking in.
But like I said – this stew is still bubbling & after all – I’ve only been here two weeks. I could ramble and talk at length about what this is like, yet I’m also all over the place in my mind. I need time to adjust more and let this life develop because as determined as I am to overcome the things I feel called to over come – I still go to bed every night, a little lonely and a whole lot homesick for the comforts I’ve left behind in the name of what I feel will somehow liberate me. I’ve had moments here where I am so moved at the welcoming I have received from this community – there are good people here who I have this intuition will be pivotal in this experience. There are also dear and loved ones back home – my other home – who’s letters and phone calls give my heart the shoulder it needs to lean on when I find myself in those hours of darkness, fear and doubt over the change at hand. I thank EVERYONE for these words and supports – because I rely on them. They get me through.
Thats it and thats all! Over and out – CC